Why He's Hesitating 22 Questions He's Asking Himself Before He Proposes To You
A wedding proposal is nothing to take lightly. This is why when a guy decides that he wants to ask you to be his future wife, it is wise of him to ask himself a series of questions before he actually goes through with it. It is better to take your time and assess whether or not your significant other is the one to spend your life with. Otherwise, you are going to find yourself divorced and miserable later on in the marriage. Many women find to be insulting when their man is hesitant to pop the question but in reality, he is doing you a favor by taking his time. He wants to make sure that you are going to roll with the punches in this life.
The decision to ask someone to marry is never an easy one no matter how compatible you are. When you first start dating, you are in lust. After that lusty phase is over, you start seeing that person for the fallible creatures that they really are. The question is: can you accept those flaws? Forget anything that you have ever watched on any romantic comedy or episode of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette because these 24 rough questions will determine whether or not he will propose to you.
22 "Will she say yes?"
This is probably the number one reason that guys hesitate when they decide whether or not they want to propose. When a guy is head over heels for you and knows that you are the one for him, his worst fear is that of rejection. You know when you hear those stories of guys getting publicly humiliated when they ask their dream girl to marry them only to be emasculated in the worst way possible? You don't want to be that girl who breaks his heart and he doesn't want to be the guy who gets his heart broken. He doesn't want to be that guy who plans a big proposal on the Jumbotron at a baseball game just to be turned down. Rejection is a serious blow to pride and a proposal is the most anxiety inducing thing a guy can do. This is a reason why he wants to test out the waters first.
21 "Are our long term goals similar?"
One of the most important deciding factors in whether or not you should marry someone is if you both share the same visions for the long-term. If there is a conflict of interest, then this will definitely be a problem later down the road. Does he want a big family while you want to travel the world in the next five years? Do you want to move to a bigger city while he wants to stay in his hometown in closer proximity to his family? These are all future situations that need to be discussed before they happen. It is easier to break up with a potential fiancé than it is to get a divorce. Before he proposes, he is smart to be asking himself this question before going through with it.
20 "Is the way I feel about her strong enough to last forever?"
Sometimes, lust gets the best of us and we mistake it for love early on in the relationship. If you and him have not been together for very long but are already talking about marriage or making the relationship serious, than this question will most likely pop into his head. He wants to know that this is genuine love in regards to permanent companionship rather than puppy love that will fade away in time. It is not unheard of that couples become engaged after less than a year of being together, but these types of proposals are to be treated with caution. The less you know about someone, the more likely it is that you become unsatisfied with them later down the road. Before getting married, learn the difference between love and lust and draw the line definitively.
19 "How will our lives change as couple?"
One of the most important factors that plays into whether an impending marriage will work or not is a question of lifestyle. If you both want the same things and have the same relationship goals, then proposing should feel like the next natural step. If you two operate on completely different schedules and engage in contrasting everyday habits, then sharing a longterm future together will be challenging. If he travels all the time for work and is never home to spend time for you, then that will be a problem. If you work a demanding job that requires you to be on call 24/7, then that might be a problem for him. Sometimes there will be a reason that you both have to move to a different city and uproot your life. He will consider the changes that you both will have to make before proposing to you.
18 "How will our expectations of each other change?"
Let's face it: relationships are not always easy. In fact, they can be downright emotionally draining at times. Whatever issues that you might have with your boyfriend, never fall under the delusion that if it gets serious that you can change him. You cannot change people in a relationship. I repeat. You cannot change people in a relationship. What that means is that you cannot change their personality. However, little behaviors that get on each other's nerves can easily be changed. If he cares about you enough to propose to you, there should be room for negotiation on what behaviors can be changed in the relationship. This especially needs to be discussed before exchanging any vows. It is important that both of you are 100% clear on your expectations for one another.
17 "What will happen if it doesn't work out?"
This is a dark question that virtually no one wants to even fathom before becoming engaged. The reality is unfortunately is that this question will cross yours and his mind if there is any serious commitment about to be made. No one ever wants to believe that their marriage will not last but sadly there is always that slight chance. After all, over half of the marriages in the US end in divorce so he wants to make damn sure that he is making the right decision. It is wise to take your time and date the person for a longer period of time before popping the question. If you are anticipating that he will propose to you, you are wise to ask yourself this question as well. This isn't cynical, but realistic.
16 "Am I sure I really want to do this?"
Everyone gets cold feet before they make the biggest commitment of their life. It's a natural reaction to question whether or not this is something that they really want to do before he proposes. Even if there is no real rhyme or reason as to why the two of you shouldn't get married, there will always be that "what if?" Our society puts too much emphasis on the idea of romance and what relationships are supposed to be like. No matter how dramatic and over the top movies movies portray the idea of engagement and marriage, just remember that those are just marketing gimmicks. In the real world, proposing to someone means that you are committing to them for the rest of your life, not just 2 hours of a cinematic experience.
15 "Will our families approve?"
If a guy is planning on proposing to you, chances are that you and him have acquainted yourselves with each other's families to say the least. At this point, you should have gotten to know each other's family members on a personal level and know whether or not you can get along with them long term. If yours or his family has had doubts about your relationship, it is probably for good reason because they will always have your best interests at heart. If his family loves you and he is a family-oriented kind of guy, then there should be no reason for him not to propose. However, if family means everything and his doesn't approve of you, then take this as a sign to start second-guessing.
14 "Exactly how much freedom will I lose?"
When getting engaged, many men feel as if they are getting trapped even if that is not truly the case. There is a notion in our society that tells us how much men have commitment issues and that they are always hesitant if not flat out disagreeable in making promises for the long term. If you have been that nagging or clingy girlfriend that never gives him any space, then he will be thinking that you will give him the ball and chain once you two are married. The trick is to never let him think that. Let him have his own life outside of the relationship and the more space you give him, then the more he will miss you. If he already knows that he has always had and will always have freedom as long as he is with you, then he will never have this reason to hesitate to propose to you.
13 "Will she get fat on me?"
Are you someone who takes care of themselves as far as nutrition and fitness go? If neither you nor him really care about your weight or physique, that is fine but that can pose health problems for the long term. Sure you are young now and your metabolism is higher but what will happen as you get older? This is going to sound superficial, but he might wonder if you will get too big on him after you hit middle age and had a few kids. As of now, you might have a nice body but that typically doesn't last as we get older and progress through life. If you struggle to stay in shape now, then he will see that it will be a definite ongoing problem later down the road.
12 "Will she make a good mom?"
This question is assuming that both you and him want kids. If you haven't discussed this, then it is wise to do so before he gets down on one knee and proposes. If he wants kids and you don't and vice versa, then this will be a serious issue and you two are probably not compatible for the long term. In any case, he will observe your interactions with children and see how you get along with them if he is gauging how good of a mother you would be. Another thing he will look for is your sense of taking responsibility and setting a good example for people who are younger than you. If you don't impress him in that regard, he won't see you as motherhood material.
11 "What is the plan after we get married?"
The best part of the immediate plans after the wedding most likely will be a honeymoon trip. No matter the budget, the idea is to have a romantic getaway just the two of you. Once that honeymoon is over, he will wonder how both of your lives will change after that magical trip to wherever in the world. Are there plans to buy a house? What about getting a puppy? Perhaps you both will have to make to make some career changes to accommodate each other's lifestyles. Before he proposes, he is thinking about the compromises that both you and him will have to make to make your lives compatible long after the wedding is over. It is better to have a game plan after the wedding high wears off and the life of living as a newlywed takes ahold.
10 "Do we have the same vision for our future?"
Is there something that either one of you expect to change after you have made the final decision to get married? In other words, have there been issues that have gone unresolved that you still are fighting about? If that is the case, then you may have conflicting views about what you expect for the long term future. Figure out what needs to be resolved now and if it goes unresolved, there is a guarantee that it won't in the future. So many marriage therapists have heard time and time again phrases like "Well, she's always been kind of selfish, but I thought it would get better after having kids" or "He's never been a responsible person with money, but I figured once we owned a home he would grow up." Be honest with yourself and with him before he proposes.
9 "Is she completely over her exes?"
If you have been in contact with one of your exes while you are with the guy that you are currently dating, this will raise a huge red flag for him. He is not out of line in being reluctant to propose to you if he has reason to believe that you are not 100% over one of your exes or flames from your past. If you are ping ponging between him and your ex, then he should just dump you if he has any self-respect in all brutal honesty. Don't ever expect commitment from a guy if you are not giving him your full loyalty. Girls who want to have their cake and eat it too are just as bad as guys who do the same thing and then their women to stick around.
8 "Can she keep cool under pressure?"
Decades of marriage and family research have shown one indisputable truth: Conflicts will arise. No matter how much you are in love and committed to each other, not everything is going to be smooth sailing the entire time. The question is not if these conflicts between you and your man will happen but how you guys handle it when they do. Before he proposes, he is going to backtrack to any past fight you or him might have had and remember how it got resolved (if it got resolved at all). Have you gotten in the habit of a certain type of arguing? Does one of you stonewall the other? Is one of you always the first to apologize? Marriages that last are ones that involve communication without game-playing, passive-aggressiveness, personal attacks, or power trips.
7 "Should I make her sign a prenup?"
Oh boy, this one is a doozy. Prenups are a horrible thing to ever have to think about and they can make or break an engagement. On one hand, you would hate the idea of divorcing someone and then taking half of your hard-earned money. On the other hand, you also hate the idea of even entertaining the possibility of a divorce. If your man has wealth, then you better believe that he will do anything to preserve and protect it if he is smart. Be aware that if he proposes, that there will be a strong chance that he will make you sign a prenup if he makes money or if he comes from a family with money. Don't be naive. If you don't think the prenup is fair, then consider getting your own legal representation to make a counter offer.
6 "Do we bring out the best in each other?"
If you are a self-aware individual, you know your shortcomings when it comes to his personality. If neither you nor him even know what they are, then you both are too young and need some time for personal development. Many younger couples are incompatible for one another and they are not even aware of it. This is why so many marriages that start in the '20s don't last. If you have a temper and he knows how to push your buttons to make you explode, then he isn't bringing out the best in you. If he is self-centered and you are catering only to his needs and he isn't taking care of yours, you are not bringing out the best in him. If he notices this, he will not want to propose.
5 "Which one of us wears the pants in this relationship?"
So first things first: if the relationship is truly a balanced one, there is not one person "wearing the pants" or taking full control over the other person. That said, that just doesn't work for some people and they would rather be the dominant one or the submissive one. If you have been experiencing power struggles in the relationship because he wants to take over control and you are just not having it, that will make him hesitant to propose to you. If he wants a woman who will take over his entire life and tell him what to do and you don't want that kind of responsibility, then that could be another reason why he is second-guessing popping the question. Relationships are an equal partnership and if that doesn't work for him, then he will question his future with you.
4 "Are we really passionate about each other?"
This question should provide the most straightforward answer and both of you will know the answer to this whether or not you want to admit it. Sometimes you meet someone who on paper is perfect for you. They have the right appearance, the right career, the right lifestyle, common interests and blah blah blah. That doesn't make for chemistry. Though your bedroom time isn't everything, it still is an important part of the relationship that should never go overlooked. If he feels things are lacking in the bedroom, this is a big reason why he will doubt proposing to you altogether. If he doesn't feel pleased or believe that you lack passion for him, it will make him feel inadequate as a man. This is a question that you both already know the answer to.
3 "Do I approve of her lifestyle and does she feel good about mine?"
He watches for potential signs of bad habits that could make the relationship go downhill. This could include drug use, alcoholism, infidelity, or excessive partying. That goes in a two-way street if you don't approve of any of those habits that he engages in as well. If either you or him are set in your ways and there is just no giving up being young, wild and free, then there will be little chance that your engagement or marriage will last for the long term. He could be hesitant to propose to you if he has made clear what his lifestyle is and you don't approve of it. He could also be reluctant to propose if he sees you living a certain lifestyle that he is uncomfortable with. Either compromise and be willing to make changes or don't and cut your losses sooner rather than later.
2 "Do we get along as roommates?"
"We are living like roommates, rather than lovers" is often used as an example of how a relationship has lost its spark and a common phrase that many marriage counselors hear from couples. However, there is a positive component to that because it is important to get along as roommates if you and him are cohabiting. In this day and age, people usually commit to living together before any marriage proposal is made, so it is good test to see whether or not you two are marriage material for each other. If you are having problems getting along in the domestic realm, it is naive to assume that it will magically get better once you are married. If you and him manage to work through problems that you might have living together, then you should be home free.
1 "What are her spending habits like?"
The number one cause of divorce is financial issues. Though this is the last reason on this list, this one is the most overlooked and one of the most important on this entire list. Differing spending styles can range from considering how big of a house to buy, different attitude about shopping and "retail therapy", hidden accounts, and differing expectations on how much money to lend to friends and family can put a strain in a marriage. You might not be thinking about this now if you are young and in love, but you should watch the way your significant other spends or saves money. If that is something that sits well with you and him, then he won't have to worry about this reason to not propose. It will build a better foundation the more you talk about money spending.