15 Psychological Reasons Why Most Men Need To Cheat
Being cheated on by someone you thought you loved and trusted is probably one of the most difficult and heartbreaking situations anyone can go through. From a bonafide decade-long affair to short and sporadic intimate trysts, to mischievous and secretive emotional affairs - infidelity comes in so many flavors. Each type hurts as much as the last. When it happens, we are left pulling out our hair wondering what possibly went wrong. It's a big daunting question, however, underpinning all the different ways someone can be unfaithful lies a consistent and surprisingly simple formula.
In other words, if you sampled a population of guys who have cheated and interviewed them about their motive and reasons for doing it, you would surely find some consistencies and patterns slowly emerge.
As we know, the type of infidelity will vary from guy to guy, but the underlying reasons are usually consistent. Tackling the subject is tough because the emotions and reasons that lead to infidelity usually happen below someone conscious awareness. There is always a deeper reason why guys will eventually stray. Interested in protecting your relationships from cheating, or ever been cheated on and still wondering, why? Well, here are some of the top psychological reasons men need to cheat.
15 You don't stand up for yourself and let him get away with bad behavior in general
Guys don't only cheat because they are all deceiving, sex-hungry scumbags. Sometimes, good people cheat because WE enable them to do so. Don't think that just because your boyfriend trotted off into another girl's arms that this is all his problem - relationships take two to tango my friend, and much of the time you may be contributing to your partner's shady behavior more than you think. That said, if you have weak boundaries and let your boyfriend get away with things that don't make you feel safe and secure without any repercussions, he may just push to the limit. Having strong boundaries means saying 'no' when someone does something that conflicts with your needs. You have to stand up for those things, and you can do it in a kind but assertive way, people will respect the hell out of you for it. And he most definitely will, too.
14 You make all the effort in the relationships and don't leave any room for him to want you
Relationships are a two-way street, and effort should always be the litmus test for the health of any partnership. No effort, no relationship. In order for someone to make an effort, though, you have to leave some room for them to do so. If you are the one consistently smothering them and spending all your time and energy on them, they may just get overwhelmed and run in the other direction. Some people find that level of attention difficult to handle, maybe deep down they don't see themselves as worthy of it - but let's not get too deep here. The key is to give - but not more than you receive, a well-balanced relationship is one that is free of frustration and resentment, the ultimate silent relationship killer.
13 You put him on a pedestal and don't see any of his faults, basically idolizing him
This is a little counter-intuitive, but hear me out. When we idolize someone - see them as greater and better than they actually are - this can be a lot of pressure to handle for some people. Ultimately, even though it's scary AF, people want to be seen and accepted for their good, bad and everything in between. This is true vulnerability. And it is the core and foundation of a genuine mutually-loving and satisfying relationship. If someone sees you at your worse and STILL loves you, that's a when you know it's real. On the flip side, weak relationships are built on illusion. Projecting a dream or trophy partner onto someone and exalting them ultimately makes a guy feel objectified - like you don't know or even care about the 'real' him. This behavior may lead to a guy to pursue an emotional affair with another girl, one who truly sees him for who he really is, and not some idealized version that she dreamt up in her mind.
12 You never actually communicate about your feelings about him or your relationships
Communication is everything in a relationship. And I know that stereotypically guys aren't the best at communicating, but honestly, this is just a stereotype. Many guys, when they are with the right girl, will be more than happy to talk about their feelings in their current relationship. Because it feels great to get it off your chest. Being vulnerable with someone is what fuels connection and intimacy - the backbone of strong and loving relationship. So if you're going around trying to be the 'cool' girlfriend and avoid any emotional talks because of you - wrongly - assume that it will scare him away, then you might be contributing to a future emotional affair. With the right person, guys want that intimacy and closeness just as much as girls do. So have that 'real talk' that you've been meaning to have with him, it will pay off in the long-run.
11 He is an impulsive person and needs constant attention from anything and everyone around him
People with impulsive personalities make a great first impression. They are generally outgoing charismatic, and sociable charmers who have a crazy magnetic quality to their presence; admired for being adventurous, spontaneous and go-getters. AKA, the life of the party. It won't be until you spend some more time with this person that you will realize that an incessant need to indulge in every emotional knee-jerk is actually making them miserable and constantly sabotaging all their long-term plans and happiness. The definition of maturity is the ability to exercise self-control and say 'no' to immediate desire in favor of a long-term goal. These guys are basically anti-maturity and have zero ability ignore immediate gratification in favor of a more satisfying long-term objective. If you notice this trait early on, you've been warned.
10 He acts like a tough guy but deep down he is really insecure and seeking validation
Sleeping with women is currency for these men. The more women they sleep with, the richer they become. This currency feeds their fragile ego and keeps it quiet until the next bout of nagging insecurity comes along, which normally doesn't take very long. Ultimately, guys who anchor their self-esteem to sex and intimacy with women are the ones who are most likely to stray. This is because relationships don't stay hot and heavy forever, masks always eventually drop, and our adored partners slowly begins to reveal those rough edges that - well, everyone has. But this man consistently needs what he views as 'quality' women to fuel ego. So, he will be quick to hop onto the next one and doomed repeat the cycle once the mask drops with her, too.
9 There is a lack of emotional intimacy and connection in your current relationship
If your relationship is founded on nothing more than getting naked together, this thing will start to happen once you've been together for a few month. Your bodies will be less of a crazy turn-on, you will know exactly how to excite them, and you will start to notice all those little imperfections that slipped under the radar before. This should actually be viewed as a moment of opportunity in a relationship, the beginning of something new. This is a time to cultivate a deeper more emotional and intellectual connection with someone. However, guys usually perceive the fading of infatuation as something wrong with you and/or the relationship. Prompting them to run around and chase that high with someone else. It's so unfortunate - because chasing a high means missing out the opportunity to experience a deeper and richer form of loving someone.
8 You feel like he hasn't lived up to what you hoped for, so you constantly criticize, devalue, and put him down
Sometimes when we've been with someone for quite some time we develop a tendency to control them and their behavior. This is a symptom of a relationship that is founded on illusion, as I explained earlier. Basically, when you project a fantasy onto your partner and when - big surprise - they end up being their 'real selves' and not conforming to fit into this box that YOU built in your mind, it leads to acting out and trying to squeeze him into your little fairytale life that you constructed in your mind. I believe that this is, to some degree, the underlying cause of ALL relationships issues. In this case, this may lead a guy to seek a relationships or connection with another girl, because well, healthy and emotionally stable people don't enjoy feeling as if their 'true selves' are being ignored or unappreciated by their current partners.
7 You act paranoid jealous and possessive of him even after he consistently reassures you
Extreme possessive and jealous behavior communicates insecurity and a lack of self-respect. It looks kinda like this: maybe you noticed your boyfriend has been interacting with someone in particular on social media, or that he's started to hang out with some new friends lately, and there is a cute girl that always seems to be tagging along. You sense a threat and your internal alarm starts to wail, letting gut-level emotions get the best of you. Now, you start to accuse him and question him about his every text, "like", comment and move. I guarantee you that this behavior will contribute to him ACTUALLY fulfilling your deepest fears. That's because guys will interpret the acting out and expression of these completely unjustified fears as you not trusting them. That hurts, a lot. Especially when they haven't done anything substantial to violate your trust. But, now, you've given him the perfect reason to actually take that step and cheat. Because, ultimately, you think he's the type of person who would. Ouch.
6 You have settled into a safe and secure routine with you and he wants to spice things up
This is pretty straightforward. Much of the time when a guy cheats, especially in the case of a one-off drunken night situation, it's because he's just looking for a little excitement to spice up his routine. The hard truth is long-term relationships can get redundant, especially in the bedroom. It takes time, effort and energy to keep things fresh and exciting with the same person. However, a quick fix is to go off and have something fast and easy with someone new, then go back to the reliable relationship. Just like a craving for some junky fast food, it's fast, satisfying and hits the spot - but you don't wanna eat it all the time, because that would just be bad for you. Same goes with sexual infidelity. Sometimes guys just need a little something something on the side.
5 He never truly loved you - or anyone - he just caught a bad case of infatuation and mistook it for love
" I love you, but I'm not in love with you" hands - down the evilest combination of letters in the English language. It's a catch-all phrase used by shallow individuals of the world who actually don't know what it means to love be loved. So, don't feel too bad if you've been on the receiving end. That said, these types of guys are also the ones who have a tendency to be serial monogamist in which their new relationships usually start with an affair or infidelity of some kind. Guys like this will jump ship as soon as feelings of infatuation and lust start to fade away. Ain't no one got time for that persistent dedication, constant compromise, and real connection and vulnerability stuff. They just want a shallow, easy, light, fun, and low-effort type of relationships, but packaged and decorated to look and feel like a "real" relationship for a couple of months - until the next one, and the next one, and the next one. You get the point.
4 He gets off on the thrill of keeping secrets, lying and running around behind your back
If you take a sample of the male population at large the average and majority of them would be "good" people who don't get off on running around behind people's back lying and deceiving them. However, within any given population, exists outliers. A small percentage of people with strange and abnormal tendencies. Some people casually call these "sociopaths" but we won't get THAT deep here. Just saying, that there are guys out there who actually get the hots from the thrill of lying and keeping secrets from those they "love" the most. The unfortunate part is that these people will usually initially come across an extremely charming and likable, but it's all a smokes and mirror show to distract you from their true nature, which usually is revealed when it's too late and your already involved way too deep.
3 He truly doesn't believe in long-term monogamy but never bothered to tell you that
It's 2017 - and long-term sexually exclusive relationships aren't for everyone. Gone are the days when divorce or sex before marriage was completely taboo. We live in a pretty liberated culture and encourage people to explore their sexual and romantic potential before settling down, and even after. That said, some people don't see themselves as able to commit to anyone long-term. They are simply not built that way. But just because someone doesn't see themselves settled down with one person for 50 years, doesn't mean that they don't enjoy a deeper emotional connection and love. So these people will often get into committed relationships - society really doesn't give us a lot of options - and then quickly feel trapped a couple months or years down the line because they are not living in line with their true nature. It's not you, it really is just them. Not every guy is built to live within the very narrow lifestyle that society tells us is "right" way to live.
2 You know that many of his friends or family members are also not the most faithful people
Being a "player" is not a conscious lifestyle choice, it's a personality type. I don't even like to use the word player because of the strong negative connotations the word has. These guys are cads to the core, their daddies and uncles are probably the same way, and their sons will be, too. It's deeply coded into their curly little DNA strand. That's why you're so attracted to them. There's a 'je ne sais quoi' energy about a guy who innately is not the settling type. It's not inherently bad, and you shouldn't demonize these guys, especially if they know themselves and are aware of their tendencies, and most importantly - are upfront about them from the get-go. However, these guys are sometimes blind to their own nature, especially if they are younger and less experienced. They will get into exclusive relationships, but be quick to stray when something shiny and new catches their attention. That's just the way their mind is built. Again, it's not you, it's them.
1 He uses things and objects outside of him to stroke his ego and validate his social status
These guys treat women and sex as a kind of currency to make themselves feel better about their social status. A great way to spot this type of person early on is to see if they use other external objects or things as self-enhancers to stroking their egos. Beware of people who are only motivated in life by external things, such as the number of zeros on their paycheck or the price of their car. Focusing on external rewards that dissolve in your hands is a surefire way of setting yourself up for a life of constant frustration and disappointment. Happiness is a moving target. There is no one thing in life that will bring you total, complete and lasting happiness. The guys that end up cheating are usually the naive and less experienced ones that believe in this "eternal happiness" fairytale. They will stray when the realness of a relationship starts to kick-in a couple years down the line and onto the next girl that they THINK will finally bring them everlasting happiness.