7 Times To Ghost And 8 Times To Stick Around

Ghosting is a modern phenomenon that's (probably) more prevalent because we're all so busy and entitled these days. It can feature in any of your relationships, from your relationship with your man to the one you have with your BFF, family, and squad. More often than not, talk about ghosting focuses on its negative connotations: abandonment, poor commitment, and intentionally playing with people's emotions. But the fact is that ghosting can be appropriate in certain situations. It's also a really empowering tool to have in your toolbox of life hacks. Ghosting, taking a leave of relationship absence or going Casper can be either damaging or beneficial in your relationships, depending on when and how it's deployed. In the hectic, information-saturated ambivalence of modern life, it can feel like managing your relationships is a full-time job. So it's really important to know when to stick, and when to twist so that you nurture the RIGHT relationships and move on from others to make more room. Figuring out exactly how to get this right is something that we all struggle with. But when we do get it right, it can save us masses of time and energy, as well as opening the door to super exciting relationships we never thought would even be possible. It's a myth that love is about accepting whatever the other person throws at us and sticking around no matter what. In fact, sometimes the only kind thing to do is release someone and trust them to figure life out on their own. And on the other hand, sometimes we're tempted to go gallivanting off, or to pull away, right when our loved ones need us to stick with them the most. So here are a few ghosting guidelines:

15 You Should Stick Around If: Your Best Interests Are Important To Them

More than the people who stick around during the good times (everybody) you want to find the ones who love you for you. In other words, the ones who are there for you when you need them. Even when times are good, the true diamond in the rough will think and talk about what's your best interests, even when you can't see the way through yourself. This jewel of a person knows who you are better than you sometimes, and you're able to bounce ideas off them, safe in the knowledge that they want the very best for you. If someone continually turns up for you (in a non-stalker way), it's a sign that they believe in you. These are the peeps you need to recruit into your crew because you want to surround yourself with trustworthy people who will act as your barometer in life. Plus, they love you, so they're going to see you in the best light, and help you reach the heights of your potential.

14 You Should Stick Around If: They Inspire You

It's time to go full fangirl. These are the ones who you admire so much that they dazzle and even intimidate you at times. Push yourself to hang out with people who embody the qualities and skills you yourself want to reflect and hone. Maybe you're passionate about some really quirky thing: find the people who share that passion, and learn with them. Shared interests are the most natural way of forming great friendships. At the same time, surround yourself with friends who inspire you in surprising ways, and do things you would never think to. Maybe their style is off the hook, maybe they're really courageous about standing up for their principles, or they are crazy amazing hosts. When you're around people who inspire you it's totally a win-win for everybody. In a world that can feel cold and hard, everyone needs a little appreciation, and the best way to get into virtuous circles of giving and receiving that is by sticking with peeps who you're in awe of.

13 You Should Stick Around If: They Challenge You

There will be times in your life when you're SERIOUSLY tempted to go into a victim spiral and bathe luxuriantly in your "poor me" mentality, ladling it over yourself like warm bathwater. At this point, you need the friend who doesn't see you as a victim, and knows that you've got this to ask you: "so what's your plan?" Whatever it is you have lost: your job, partner, health or self-image, you want a friend who is going to motivate you to get right back on that renegade horse. These challenges are always supportive rather than critical. Even when things are going well, challenging friends will push you to grow in unexpected ways and see your behavior and thinking afresh. This is super important, and a friend or partner who can be the Brain to your Pinky will help you succeed in taking over the world (or at least, your world).

12 You Should Stick Around If: You Have Adventures Together

You can tell when a relationship is going great when the two of you forge new and exciting experiences together. Rather than the reckless friend who manically thrill seeks all the time, this is about growing together. You'll be attempting something, big, grand, and fun, and you'll both be super excited by it. Whether you are taking a trip, starting a business or achieving another goal together, this is the person who stretches out of their comfort zone with you. These types of people are golden because it's only possible to live life ferociously like this with someone you really trust. And it's the most exciting kind of relationship (even more than the rollercoaster relationship we've all had or are having), this relationship feels totally right. You both love each other for the brilliant people you are and you take the leap together into new heights and new ventures. These folks are golden.

11 You Should Stick Around If: They're Going Through Something

A good time to stick around is also when this person is going through something difficult. Naturally, you have to use your discretion here, as you can't help everybody. But when you looked out for a good person who was just encountering a rough patch, they'll be with you for life. It's amazing how the smallest gesture of goodwill towards a good person is never forgotten. You'll be reaping the returns with massive interest, even years later. There are some people who have decided that they do not want to face their troubles, and good luck to you if you decide to try to help such people. You are unlikely to see your efforts repaid in any way, in fact, such people are often a bottomless drain on your resources. So only make this choice in the cold light of day, because you value your own principles. That said, everyone needs a little love, and you'll feel better when you give it where you can.

10 You Should Stick Around If: They Go Quiet On You

There is an important difference between ghosting and tumbleweed. Ghosting can only be practiced by people whom you don't totally trust. When long-term, "live" relationships suddenly apparate out of your life like a wizard from Harry Potter, it's actually time to stick around. When someone you're with goes quiet, it's easy to read this as disinterest, distraction or business. But generally, it means that they are having a tough time and haven't been able to reach out because of that. This is the time to reach out to them. It could be that they've suffered a bereavement, illness or even a bout of depression. At such times, it can be tempting to ghost because you're not sure what to say in the case of a bereavement, or you don't know how to help when it comes to an illness. Ask them. Even your closest friends may struggle to ask for your help when they need it most.

9 You Should Stick Around If: They Did You A Good Turn

The Eastern concept of Karma is well-known but perhaps less understood in the West. Essentially, Karma is the idea that what you give out, you get back. Being grateful to someone who did you a good turn is a great way of showing them appreciation and building trust in a relationship. It shows that you valued their action and is an important way of communicating that you respect that person. Conversely, when you don't appreciate others around you, they do not feel valued and the bond between you will tend to weaken. This isn't something that needs to be forced, but remembering to thank people is really enriching. It also gives you insights and highlights aspects of situations and yourself that you may not have realized at the time. It may have been a chore writing all those thank you cards when you were a kid, but showing appreciation is its own gift.

8 You Should Stick Around If: You Respect Them

The bottom line with relationships is: do you respect them? It doesn't matter how long you've known each other or how close you are "supposed" to be, if one or other of you lacks respect for the other, it will damage the relationship. So focus on the relationships with people you respect the most. People who command respect are (as a rule) people who respect themselves, which is reflected in how they make other people feel. Although none of us are perfect, so you might as well stick around the people you value. This will help you to reflect these qualities yourself. The saying "you are the company you keep" is pretty useful here. This can also include people you don't know whose work you admire or writers you enjoy reading. Surround yourself with people you admire, and your relationships will be brimming with win-win situations, fun, and good vibes. So keep the peeps you admire close to home!

7 You Should Ghost If: They're Negative

Even generally positive people are negative at times. When you can see the mist of madness descend over their eyes, and they go in for a grown-up tantrum, the best reaction is no reaction. Let their energy dissipate, and they will (eventually!) return to normal. Any attention that you pay to negative shiz validates it as being real to the person who's in the full throes of their own personal negativity party. So step away, and let them figure out that they're being on their own. They will try tempting you to get involved in their drama because they want validation for that negativity. This is one time when your presence is not a present to the other person. Give them space, and go do something more positive/productive/precious to you than getting sucked into their tantrum. This is not to say that all so-called "negative" emotions aren't OK: it might be appropriate to be sad, or angry. Emotions help us navigate the world. But the negative ones are best allowed to simmer down.

6 You Should Ghost If: You Feel Stressed After Hanging Out

If you're tired, stressed, and irritable after hanging out with this person, especially if that's repeatedly the case, it's probably a good idea to stop hanging out with them. This can feel brutal, which is one of the reasons we don't cut people off, but because negativity is best met with distance, it can be the best thing for both of you. They'll realize that you're not going to condone that behavior by continually being there for it, and you'll have more time in your life (and let's face it, that's precious) for having great experiences with your peeps. You don't necessarily have to cut ties entirely either. Ghosting bad behavior works well in a relationship too. If your man is stressing you out, reward him with less of your attention, and more often than not, he'll up his game. If this is a chronic feeling for you though, it may be time to stop haunting a relationship that's past it.

5 You Should Ghost If: You're Bored

If you're bored by a person in your life, especially one who is supposedly close to you, you are essentially passing judgment on that person. It's not fair to waste each other's time being bored. This is the signal that it's time for drastic change. Whether that's within the relationship, or through ending it. It can be tempting to talk ourselves out of asserting our needs in this way because we are trying to be kind to the person in question, or appreciate other things about the relationship. But the fact is that you're damaging the relationship by living this lie. Give them the dignity of being totally honest with them. Because actually, your boredom is not so much a criticism of them, as a sign that you don't appreciate them. So it may be that you need to give them space to open up, that you need to change other things in your life so that you're not bored anymore, or move right along. Boredom is a sure fire way to know that life is calling you on to bigger and better things.

4 You Should Ghost If: You Struggle To Find Things In Common

When you lack things in common, it can be really hard to maintain a relationship. Which begs the question: why are we trying to maintain it at all? If this is someone who you truly value, even though you seem to be going in completely different directions, you can use that as an opportunity to discover more their interests and learn about something totally new and different. Ask them to show you what's exciting about their interests, and be open to seeing it through their eyes. This works if you love the person enough that you can enjoy their enjoyment of that thing, even if you aren't enamored yourself. Alternatively, this may be one racehorse that's just not on your track. That's OK, sometimes letting people go on their merry ways can be liberating for everyone, as it frees you up to be more who you are, and devote your energy to being you!

3 You Should Ghost If: It's A One-Way Street

This is a stone cold sign it's time to Casper. All relationships involve give and take, and the best ones are the ones where that happens naturally. If this feels fraught, so is your relationship likely to be. And when you're the one doing all the giving, give the martyr complex a rest and go have fun with people who respect you. Because, as various sayings go, when you give someone something that you resent giving you are making them a thief. You might feel really good about yourself for being so "giving" and "generous", but stop flattering yourself: that's all about you, not them! Endless, conditionless, frantic giving in a bid to be loved is a classic way that we avoid doing what we know is right for us, and being who we really are. Instead, call these black hole people out, or just make a black hole yourself and put some serious space between you and these serial takers.

2 You Should Ghost If: They Put You Down

Someone who makes you feel bad for feeling bad is a definite Casper-candidate. When people criticize you, even in an off the cuff manner, pay attention. They are showing you that they do not value you. Of course, this has nothing to do with the goddess you are and everything to do with their shiz. Which, by the way, is likely to start coming at you increasingly if you keep paying attention to your critics. This applies to online relationships too. Those people who don't value your unique inner beauty, unfurling gradually like a beautiful flower, do not deserve your precious time. Giving criticism zero energy is one of the best ways of sailing right past it. Remember that anyone who ever did anything noteworthy was criticised, so carry on doing you and let the haters hate (they really hate themselves). Showing trolls that this level of interaction doesn't merit your attention will (as a happy bonus) win respect from them, too.

1 You Should Ghost If: They Don't Invest In You

We're not talking financially here, although that is one way people invest in each other. We're talking about people who don't bank on you, back you, and believe in you. It's also people who ghost you. It's not mysterious ("what is it about me they don't like?" "I wonder what they're up to rather than speaking to me"). The truth is they really DON'T know something you don't. They aren't forthcoming with their love and attention, so waste no more time flogging that dead horse, and scamper over to the crowd of people who are ready to make you feel appreciated, supported and excited to be you. Sometimes non-investors are people we've known a long time. If you want to save the relationship, say how you feel (without being critical of them), tell them you value them and miss hanging out. It might be that their life has changed, and they have been distracted by a new partner or job, so switch it up and do something you've never done before together to keep the relationship moving forward.